Getting out of the boat.
That was the theme for the ladies' retreat that year. "Are you going to go?" my friend, Cindy, asked, anticipation in her voice.
"No, I don't think so..."
"Why not?" she pursued.
"Because I did try to get out of the boat...," my voice trailed off.
"...and you almost drowned," she finished for me.
Yes, I almost drowned. My husband and I had spent the last five years following what we believed to be God's call on our lives--missionary service overseas. It had involved the deepest surrender I had ever known as I relinquished one thing after another in my life.
My children...their health and their future.
My parents.
My home.
My language.
My culture.
My lifestyle.
My friends.
My church.
It seemed that no part of my life would be left untouched by this decision.
We had completed many parts of the lengthy process--cross-cultural training, psychological testing, and some fundraising--when I began to fall apart, little by little. Looking back, there were so many things contributing to my downward spiral, that it seems inevitable now. Our ties with our friends were loosening; we had been keeping up a demanding fundraising schedule; a friend was caught in an unrelenting crisis; our families were struggling with our decision to pack our kids off to a "closed country"; I was aching with the reality of a lifetime of goodbyes...and there was still no end in sight to our fundraising.
I fell hard and fast. I felt as though God--by His own hand--had led me to a cold, dark place and then abandoned me there. I prayed, but He seemed silent. I begged Him to help me, but the despair persisted. I felt myself start to question everything I had known and believed about Him. He had always been there before. Where was He now? And why this, when I had only been trying to follow and obey His voice?
My pastor, seeing the depth of my pain, said, "I can see you are going through deep waters. I wish I could help you, but I don't know how."
Deep waters, yes. I succumbed to the raging storm in my heart. I felt shaken to the very core of my being. I did not know if I would ever be the same again.
A year later another friend went through a similar situation...also trying to follow God's leading into cross-cultural service. As we talked and cried, she gave voice to the questions that had been haunting me for months:
Did we really hear God's call to go...or was it just our imaginations?
Did He change His mind?
Did He mean for us to go, and now we have failed to follow?
Or was it just a test, to see if we would be willing?
She concluded in frustration, "There is no good answer. Every possibility leaves me empty and in pain. I have no way to answer this."
There is no good answer. Her words echoed in my heart for months. There is no good answer. No way to understand God's apparent silence. No way to explain why everything fell apart, when we only meant to follow and obey.
It was an experience that left me utterly shattered. Did God still love me? Would I ever be able to trust Him with my heart again?
Some words from Chuck Swindoll left me with a strange and hollow comfort: God is inscrutable. He cannot be explained.
It wasn't enough. But it was something. I let go of the questions. I gave my heart time to rest and heal.
In time, God came to me in my cold, dark place and lifted me out. In unexpected and beautiful ways He showed me that He still loved me...and He gave me the courage to love Him again. I still do not have any answers. But I know that He loves me. And I know that I love Him.
Wednesday afternoon. Another friend, beautiful and dignified, is struggling to understand God's leading. In trying to follow Him, she and her husband have found themselves in a seemingly precarious and difficult situation. She is uncertain and confused. I don't have any answers for her, but I tell her what I do know: I know that He loves me. And I know that I love Him.
I pray that this will somehow be enough for her, too.
Then the Lord answered Job out of the storm.
He said:
"Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge?
Brace yourself like a man;
I will question you, and you shall answer me.
"Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation?
Tell me, if you understand.
Who marked off its dimensions?
Surely you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?
On what were its footings set,
or who laid its cornerstone--
while the morning stars sang together
and all the angels shouted for joy?"
Job 38: 1-7
